maya_kitten

Well the lack of my writing here is grim I must confess. I've been out of job since April still no luck in me getting a job anytime soon.
The reason I lost my job was this financial crises that swept the globe completly.

I am still writing not poetry, kind don't have the strength for poetry all do I do miss writing it, I'm just I guess emotionally empty, during summer we had a friend from Norway over was fun to meet him in person and to get to know him a bit better (internet friend) that was a nice break from the usual summer boredom.

well for three months I've been feeling empty inside, devoid of all emotions and feelings, don't have will for anything much these days.
So I poured myself into writing my book and it's going good so far.
Missed this place and my fiendish friends :) and I do apologize for my absence I am still with Sandorian 2 years and 3 months but we also have some problems I guess do to my current mode.

So my dear friends if I still have any considering my neglecting my LJ for aas long as I did.
Last week I got fired from my job because of the money crises and the bosses saying we had to many people on the pay role, sucks to be me, so back to hunting for a new job and I was working here for the past 6 months meaning my vacation time is ruined *sigh* Sandorian and I are good almost 2 years together, there were and are ups and downs but that's normal.

Been to Nightwish concert and then a few days later to Hammerfall needed to have some fun.

I'm just lonely at the moment I made new friends they are awesome they love me for who I am, I see them quiet a lot these days, but even them can't take away this feeling of loneliness I have.
I've been writing some new poems will post them when I edit them and I'll resume to write my story at the end of the month I'm getting tattooed pic's will be uploaded and on Friday I'm getting a new piercing done,which is privet so pic's will be excluded *winks*

OMG I'vve really neglected you guys it's been a while since I posted a hello let alone a biblical vent post :))) life just passed me in a rush I suppose my PC is healthy again it was dead till I resurrected it it has cost me a small fortune but I manged to do it.

Well in two days time (o2.o4.'09.) I'll be going to nightwish concert will be fun since I waited for it since last year :)))
work is good, love as well, would like if somethings were different but hey I'm happy as it is :))

Will post a bit more later on

I wish a Merry Christmas to all my friends and their family's from LJ.


It's been such a long time since I had some time to type something and post it, I changed my job again I know it's been two and a half months it's a good job I like I'm getting things in order I have wrote a few new poems but they are not yet ready to be posted, when I get time which will be in January I will be collecting all my poems into one notebook and giving it to an editor I decided to find a publisher and try to publish my work.

I'm settling into my job well and when I organize my time better I will be posting a lot more then before :)

So I've been reading threw my LJ from the beginning till my recent posts and I realized that I grew a lot since I started it on 17th of June 2006, I met a lot of nice and wonderful people I am proud to call friends as well talk about my life un-ashamed, venting out my fears and frustrations.
I know I have neglected my LJ in these past few months but things have been strange I thought finding your soul mate meant more but I guess thats not always true, I still from time to time feel alone and lonely even I am in company of my friends and loved ones.



I have started to go out with a friend her nick name is Cookie she is cool and nice and is very fun to be around with *smiles fondly*

A few things come to my mind while looking at this screen and these words and non of them seem to be happy only gloomy..... *sigh* this must be my only personal and emotional post in a long time, I just feel so confused and lost, have you ever had that feeling???
My life had taken a very sharp turn, things happened during this year I never have dreamed of things I'll keep close to my heart and locked away from public eyes.Maybe one day I'll be able to talk about it here but not now, not at this hour *exhales*

As promised Iron Maiden post the concert I'm going to at the end of the week I can't wait to go :)

Here are a few videos and photos of them:

I am VERY sorry about neglecting my LJ I thought I didn't need it to vent anymore, needless to say I still need my LJ and my online friends *smiles* I got a new job, I am working in a department store called CITY CENTAR stupid I know in a clothing store for women, the name of the store is Xnation and it's a Croatian brand, it's good has a few cool things.

Sandorian and I are happy and we are nearing our one year anniversary thats on the 19th of August so I'm excited about it *grins*

I am still working on my book and on my poems I have two or three poems in the making.

My current job is a bitch as I rarely know how I work a few days in advance everything is done last minute and thats bugging me, but yes there is a but I have a little surprise and I really hope it works out because then I'll be able to go and visit you ALL. The surprise is that in September I'll get my answer from Croatian Airlines my country's air company for the possibility of hiring me as a flight attendant, so cross your fingers prey to all the Gods and Goddesses you know to make my wish come true as it would be a dream come true for me to land that job I already sent an open job application so I just have to sit and wait as they mailed me that they are hiring in September.
Oh I can't wait till 10th of August next Sunday as I'm going to Iron Maiden concert in Split with Sandorian, his best friend and my brother.

This is what I both for myself for my b-day


On my next post I'll put a new poem and I'll add a video or two of Iron Maiden like I always do of any other band I have been on the concert.

I know I didn't write every day but my day to day life was similar my grandmother left Thailand on the 21st of May, she couldn't handle the heat and hight temperatures.

I am doing great finished all my shopping for all my close friends.

On the night that my granny left we had a privet taxi and the 18 year old kid drove us to Bangkok form the airport after we finished helping my grandmother settle and get her ticket.
To say that I was pissed off would be an understatement, the kid lost us an hour of the time spent in Bangkok. he took a wrong turn and that was it we were lost we drove all over the city my dad almost ordered him to return us to Pattaya where my dad has a house but since we had hotel reservations we sticked with it, much to my displeasure *frowns* my dad then told the kid after a 45 min drive to pull over and that he will stop the city's taxi to take us or lead us to the hotel I stayed in the car with the kid driver, again much to my pleaser *sarcasm inserted*.

We finally got to hr hotel after an hour of a hellish drive, we settled in and 3 rooms and went out, what was planed to be a good and a happy night in Bangkok it turned out frustrated and tiering that my dad and I lost the will to hit the night life. We had a dinner in my dads usual restaurant while visiting Bangkok, and we went to a bar not fare from the restaurant we had one drink and left to ticked off to go to a different club/bar.

The next morning proved that it was all real by the sight of our "favorite" taxi driver oh joy were my thoughts the guy doesn't now how to park let alone how to drive normally he only speeds and even that he does badly, after a quick breakfast we proceeded to check out and leave as soon as possible as we had enough of the kid and his un-uncultured behavior; he doesn't speak English when asked something in Thai language he doesn't answer but stares blankly at you, dear hell please give me strength not to rip his head off and use it a shoulder bag *grins evilly*


We got back to Pattaya after a 2 hour drive I hit the love seat and watched Eragon for the first time and it was a good move relaxing at least to me, we ordered some food and we got ready to hit the city and this is what I was wearing


That night I hit Lucifer, Hammer and Walking Street hip-hop/house clubs because I was in need of some dancing. Last night was the same apart from my outfit which was jeans,converse high tops and a raveling black halter top with no back.

Tomorrow plans are already made we are rising early and heading to an island for a day of relaxation, then returning back to mainland and getting back to the house to clean up, have lunch and heading to the city so that my dad can finish my brothers present.

Here are a few pictures taken by me from the top of the Pattaya Tower the view is beautiful


My grandmother and father



And here is a picture of my lunch from a few days ago

So I know I didn't up date last night but i just couldn't be bothered with it, last night we spent at home in front of the telly and that same day was the same.

The day before yesterday on the 15th of may we had a light shopping in the afternoon, when we got back home we relaxed had dinner and got ready to go out well at least my dad and me did, granny stayed at home.

We were going to a birthday party of my dad's friend it was a fun night with food and drinks.

Tonight we are again going to a birthday party but this time close to home *smiles* one of our neighbors is celebrating his birthday.

Well last night my father and I went out for the first time since I came to Thailand 2 days ago.
It was fun and most needed, we cruised around the town and local clubs and bars I did not go dancing but this was fun I re-acquainted with Pattaya and some of the people I knew from 2 years ago when I was here for the first time I met a few new interesting fiends.

We ended up in the old place where we enjoyed the rest of the evening, my dad and I had a few drinks and laughs and we ended the night around 3 a.m. local time which is 8 pm U.K. time.

Bought a new little black dress that sexy as hell *smirks*

Anyway my time here so far is good I do miss my boyfriend and my brother and my close friends but this is a relaxing vacation that I needed

I have some news since the last time I posted an entry, anyway not much has happened was still looking for a job, got a new tattoo and I'm in Thailand now at my dad's.

The trip went smoothly, and now I'm enjoying my self before going shopping and clubbing.

Thats all for now tomorrow I'll up date you on what I did and what I saw *blows a kiss into the screen*


Bye

Well first off I am soooooo sorry for not posting anything for quite some time now *looks to the floor feeling guilty*

Anyway on April the 19th Sandorian and I celebrated our 8 month anniversary, I love you so much.
And this way I sending my love and support to my two great friends Draco and Lucius I wish you all the best and many more months and years *smiles lovingly*

I am looking for a new job, I have been to 2 interviews already and they both came with negative answers so I am hoping that tomorrows interview will bring some good results.

The spring is beautiful this year in Zagreb we are still having some rain showers but thats to be expected, nothing much is happening my mother is still getting on my case about everything and nothing but thats my life with her, my father is doing good in Thailand and I miss all of you and I wish too visit all of you in the near future *similes*

My writing has returend to me a month ago and I'm making progress in both my poems and my book so I'm a happy kitty *grins*

In the next post I'll post a new poem.

It's Sandorians and Mine's 6 month Anniversary, I love the man with all my heart he is my soul mate, I love you Sandorian!!
Also there is a little fact about this date, and that is that alabastardragon and alabastard my two greatest and caring friends also share it as their anniversary date I love you guys!! *smiles*

Also I wore a new poem last night I hope you like it, it's dark as I usually write them :)

This is the first very emotional and personal post in a long time, well since I started dating Sandorian in fact.....the posts prier to this one were all truthful but with out emotion and feeling like my posts, I stopped posting about my thoughts, feelings and emotions, my day to day life become something I was not used to, but I got used to it by now. Since summer I have been working and my first job was crappy but I moved on with it, I didn't gave up even do I almost did a couple of times.
My current job is less stressful and fun, I work with Sandorian and it's fun and good, but it also means that I depend on his time, if he needs to go get supplies he goes and I need to stay overtime, if we have a lot of work that one person can't do it I stay overtime again.
And since last week we ran into some financial trouble, meaning the bills from the season cot him finally and he tonight exploded on me, just like last week and the week before that. It seams that I can't do anything right for the past 2-3 weeks....and now I'm having doubts if it was a good ides that we began dating in the first place, because before we started dating he was with a girl named Maria and her dad helped them when they opened the bookstore, but now Sandorian lost that financial help and is getting frustrated.Tonight he accused me of being calculating with my money, I wont lie he does pay my drinks and gets me stuff, food and cinema tickets...but that is because I usually don't have any money since my mother placed the job of me paying the house hold bills on me, and my brother doesn't work so it's just me who pays the bills.

I in the 4 and the half months have cried probably more then ever in my life, I love him and care about him and I want this to work but I feel I am in a lose-lose battle, one more I should say *laughs sarcastically and cries again* the other one is with in my home, my mother; a battle I will never win, she is home at 15:00 pm and she still asks me after my day of work to clean the dishes which I did the night before, to get her a glass of water, to go to the store. She doesn't even bother to ask me if I'm tired or not, how was my day, NO she just yells at me to go and get her stuff.

I can't count how many times did I have to give up on some of my dreams, some of my ideas some of my wishes just so other people can be happy, when is it going to be my turn to be happy,when is it going to be my turn to have my dreams come true.

I am being criticized for thinking of my self when I never did, when I didn't have the money to go to the hair dresser, or to buy my self something new, or to get my self dolled up so I can feel good about my self, about who I am. NO Maya can't have that, Maya *starts sobbing* always has to be some ones victim and scape goat, and a yelling dummy....
I always have to change, I always have to go by other peoples rules.

When will I be free? When will I be able to be my self freely?? When.......

Sandorian and I love each other but with every new problem I feel like he is trying to change me to his liking....I am also starting to be afraid of him, he wont harm me physically but he yelled at me because he had a bad day and I trigged it by doing something he didn't like and I got yelled at and he made me feel guilty when I wasn't.
So now I'm afraid if he reads this that he will get the wrong idea about what is happening.
*cries* When I just needed my LJ back, a place where I can vent my thoughts to my friends,where I can be me, a lost girl trying to make some sense of this world we live in.
Where I can.....show my real self and not get punished for it, where I can talk about my dreams and my troubles.

WHY? Why do I always have to fight for what I want, for a little happiness in my life, for every thing in my life really?? WHY?? *starts sobbing uncontrollably*

I'm not.............It's not my fault, that things...don't always work as we expect that to....It's not my fault. *rocks back and forth crying*

Thx Sister

Ok so I finely got my hands on my PC and got hold of some free time to type. Since the last time I posted something my life took a few turns, slight twists and was hectic, my job is good and stress free, Sandorian and I are happy and still together December 19th was our 4 month anniversary and we are glad about it.

We don't go out as much as we used to during the summer as it got extremely cold, but we did go to the movies a few times (we watched GOOD LUCK CHUCK and 3:10 TO YUMA) good films.

Also last weekend we went up to Sandorian's summer house in the mountains and it was beautifal all around as snow, fresh air and hills cowered in snow...lovely.

It was a winter wander land.

My writing is back and I have a new idea, my old one is still in progress and coming along nicely, but this new thing I got is sweet, funny and relaxing a children's book I plan to write about two little dragons named Sephirot (a.k.a. Sephi) and Kiel and their adventures, just a little something to relax my mind from the serious Vampire novels I am doing, my poetry is also moving along nothing new to post about.

Merry Christmas every one *kisses and hugs* see you all after the holidays.

My mothers father (grandfather) died 34 day's ago it left me feeling sad but not overly sad as he was a drunk and I remember only the bad things from him as I was too young to remember the good things he did for me when I was a kid.

So it's been more then a week since I updated and posted something but I have been busy, from the last post a lot has happened the Korpiklaani concert was great the guys did a good job and they couldn't believe what they saw when the crowed started dancing in circles and sing their songs whit the lead singer, they promised to come back to Zagreb, Croatia relatively soon as they had fun.

here is the video from one of the songs they played:


After that Mladen and I had some nights off where we just relaxed at my place or went out with friends.

Oh Happy All Hallows Eve which was last night, Mladen and I had fun this week apart from lot of work we got into the spirit of Halloween (which is not calibrated in the way Americans calibrate it) we decorated the store in the traditional black and orange, we carved a pumpkin and put it on display and we used some hard paper and carved a witch and four small pumpkins in black of chorus *smils*

Last night we plus my brother went to a Halloween party at one of the local clubs it was fun saw a lot of people I knew from other concerts and some of my old friends....
There were two floors one was electronic metal the other was Gothic and both floors were good.... so we had a lot of fun

Tonight we are going to the movies to watch the movie called Halloween directed by Rob Zombie
Here is the trailer:

Other Rob Zombie film I watch was House of 1000 corpses and it was good so I can't wait to see what he did with this one *grins happily*
Here is the trailer of House of 1000 corpses:

Well this has been one interesting week and the weekend is also interesting in some aspects, Mladen and I were/are extremely busy whit work ( I work for him in the bookstore he owns) and to add to that our social life is also a lot busy every night we have something to do be it go to the movies, having drinks with our friends or just spending time with each other, my mother was gone for most of the week so Mladen spend the time at my place, it was to say at least interesting.

Mladen cooked for me again the darling man is so tender and caring that he makes sure I know he loves me about a million times a day by doing small trivial things for me and he always surprises me with something.

Tomorrow night we are going to a concert of Korpiklaani a Finland folk metal band here is their video:



While Mladen does things for me and cars for me and showers me with love and makes sure that the trivial things are important, while I read to him as I both The Vampire Lestat another book from Anne Rice and I have been reading it to him as he says he loves it when I read to him (the book is in English) and that he finds it relaxing....

Here are the photos of Mladen (ludjak ) and me

Theae were take a few days ago

Here is me on his Kawasaki drifter

Just his baby


The two of us


Just ludjak


P.S. editing

I forgot to put his best friends bike which we use from time to time so he can give me a ride as his baby doesn't have a second seat, but will have next year